debby downer

the above picture is something i'm constantly reminding myself of on a daily basis. it's been eight months. eight long. sometimes great sometimes horribly miserable. but always trying to stay positive months. this isn't easy. it's not something i thought i would ever do again. and yet here i am. having the most important times of my life. and not being able to share it with my best friend. about a week ago or so i go a letter from mr griner himself. well of course it was amazing because well all his letter are amazing but in it he wrote a quote that reminded him of me while he was watching the emma smith movie and it said "strength isn't something that you have it's something that you find." i've found myself lately having to have a lot of strength in myself. not just in my relationship with matt. but in everything. and it's not always easy to be strong. most of the time it's a lot easier to sit on the sidelines and watch. i'm at a loss for words tonight. i feel a little empty, confused, and frustrated. i'm curious to see how these next few months will play out and what the lord has in store for me. but in the mean time i miss my best friend. wish me luck with these next few months, i'm going to need it. 

dear you

Dear You;

thank you for always being there for me. thank you for not believing the things people say about me. thank you for always pushing me to do my best. thank you for making sure i know that you love me. thank you for being my best friend. thank you for making me laugh when i can hardly smile. thank you for those nights of silence where you just sit and hold my hand and tell me everything will be okay, i sure miss those. thank you for those long hugs and the kisses on my forehead, thank you for making me feel worth something. thank you for picking me up each time i fall, thank you for being proud of me. thank you for working so hard to be the man you want to be. thank you for not just telling me but showing me that you love me. thank you for being my rock, someone i can always count on. thank you for taking care of me. thank you for being everything i dreamed of as a little girl. thank you for giving me unstoppable butterflies. thank you for making me feel special. thank you for sticking around and never giving up. thank you for fighting for us. thank you for being you. thank you for making me the luckiest girl in the world. i love you.

Beautiful, I watch you try

To see yourself through others' eyes
The mirrors are a losing game
They only show you backwards anyway

The magic and the misery
Come and go so easily
But everything you'll ever be
You already are to me

You were only five years old
Playing princess in your mothers clothes
Could you feel me standing next to you
With my plastic sword and playground shoes
Saying if my dear wrong somehow, may dragons come and fell me now.
Because everything you'll ever be
You already are to me

Why
I don't know why
I don't know why you think you need to do it
How
I don't know how 
I don't know how you been
I just sit back and see my way right through it

When the memories are ten feet tall
Casting shadows on your bedroom wall
When you pull the shades and kill the lights
Will you hear me singing out tonight?
Will you hear me singing out tonight?

Days are long and words are cruel
They won't get the best of you
Because everything you'll ever beYou have always been to me

rejection

as human beings we fear a lot of things, falling in love, being lone, getting our heart broken, looking stupid, not doing the right thing, etc. but i think number one fear we as human have is being rejected. it's never fun to be told that you aren't good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, tall enough, small enough, blonde enough, and the lists goes on an on.....rejection on any level sucks, but when it comes to love i think it seems to cut a little deeper. it seems to take a toll on your self esteem and makes you question yourself...and for some strange reason we seem to always assume that it's our fault...what are we doing wrong? why isn't he interested? and despite what answers you come up with that feeling of rejection in that moment seems to to a stab at your self esteem over and over and over again until you feel hopeless.

.............................................................................................................................

but ask yourself this question, do you want to have to convince someone to love you? or do you want someone who just adores you with you not having to prove anything to them? don't you worry, he is out there, just be patient. I know it's hard, but it will be worth it. and as for that boy who "rejected" you....one day you'll be glad he did. so in the mean time, there is nothing wrong with you, you aren't doing anything wrong, you're beautiful, talented, and all around amazing and quite frankly he's stupid for missing out on such an amazing girl. chin up, beautiful. don't let it get to you. 

xoxo, 

lauren