Tuesday, November 8, 2011

the waiting place

as a kid my mom would read a book to me called "oh the places you'll go" by the wonderful dr suess. as i've gotten older my love for this book has only grown stronger. if you've never read it you should most defiantly mosey your way over to the nearest barns and nobel and buy it pronto. well in this book it talks about your life the choices you'll make, your accomplishments, your disappointments, and times where you wont know what to do. In this book that place is called the waiting place......this is a place where everyone is just waiting....waiting for the phone to ring, or the fish to bite, or a friday night, everyone is just waiting. well despite what i ever thought as a kid i've found myself in the waiting place in more areas then one right now but the most obvious one is in my relationship. 

so i promise i'm not a debby downer but these last couple of days haven't been very fun and i've kinda just wanted to crawl in a whole. waiting for a missionary isn't fun. it's actually really lonely, your whole life revolves around your mail box and letters, you become a stalker to your mail lady, you spend a lot of time looking at old pictures so that things still seem real and altogether you just feel like part of you is missing. tonight was just one of those nights. the nights that i feel like i have no one to talk to, like nothing is going to go right, and i start to worry, because that's how i am....i worry about everything. but a good friend of mine sent me a text of a blog post that someone else wrote and in all honesty it sums up pretty much everything i'm feeling right now and made me feel better about my whole situation so i thought i would share.

"in all honesty words can't adequately describe everything that we have and will go through. it's definitely the biggest roller-coster in life one could even imagine. it's full of ups and downs and trails and triumphs.saying goodbye was not fun. i was saying goodbye to the one person who knew me and understood everything and stuck with me through all my crazy faults and insecurities. i felt awful for awhile after he left, as if a limb had been missing. but after i got over the general sadness, you come to a realization that life keeps moving and no matter what so does time. so i kept going with my life and i continue to. we write each other as often as possible, but sometimes it's hard to feel like it was and is all real. sometimes it just feels like a dream. the memories feel like dreams and the future is just a fantasy. i have to remember the future is what is real.
whatever i can imagine, we can make happen. when he has trails, i feel sad for him, it's like my whole day is off because i know he's having a hard time. when he has great amazing spiritual experiences it makes me happy knowing he's happy and growing. what i've come to terms with is that he's going to have all these trials, and i'll always be there for him, i will help strengthen him as much as i can. and i have to be strong for him so if he ever needs to lean on me he can. but if i ever have trials or burden i want to share with him....i can't. i mean i can tell him about them if i really want to, but i can't expect a response. it's not that he doesn't care about me, i know he does, and he's proven he does. it's that i'm not his most important part of his life. he's on a mission to serve and help the lords people. when he comes back form his mission, we'll have the rest of forever. i would honestly rather miss him for 2 years and have him for eternity, than have him today and lose him forever. i used to cry myself to sleep every night just because it hurt so bad. but eventually that gaping hole in your chest, the edges round out and it's easier to deal with, though it never truly goes away. sometimes the only things that keep me sane are knowing that the lord is there to help guide me and him, and the promise my missionary made to me that he's coming back for me. a lot of people don't support waiting for a missionary because they all think i'll get married off before he comes home. let me just say that's not going to happen to me. i am no a statistic so don't treat me like one. people say he'll change, i'll change. yeah good. we better change, but we will for the better. and when he comes back we'll be even better for each other than we were before. waiting for a missionary is about dealing with the pain, being strong when no one else is, even if you're alone. it's also about finding your own self and becoming that girl that when he comes home he can point you out and say, "her, i want her" while it may be hard, there are many adventures to be had. friends to be made and lost, lessons to learn, and when he's home we'll have enough stories to tell for eternity."

i think this girl my be me in another body because she pretty much summed up everything i am feeling. i'm 15 weeks down....15 weeks i'll never have to re live....and 89 more weeks to go. mean while listen to josh gracin's new album, it's absolutely amazing and i'm gonna go party it up with the greatest people ever (my family) in disneyland for the next 5 days. see you soon. 

ps. i promise the next time i post is will be sunshine and glitter.


  1. Oh Lauren, I am sorry it's so hard! I remember waiting for Brian while he was in Basic Training was so hard, and sometimes I felt so lonely and so sad. But I know when he gets home it will feel worth it! (: It's just a step (a harder step) in your eternity together!

  2. I don't envy you one bit! Waiting for a missionary really can be miserable...just know it gets easier! Enjoy Disneyland!

  3. I was this way last night too. Thanks for this. This is kinda what I wrote in my journal last night.

    He is part of me. And so I'm the one who's stuck trying to figure out how to live without myself. His whole self is in NY serving the people and doing the Lord's will. And I'm there with him. He asked my permission to lock me in his heart for 2 years, and I granted it. He has me and always will. So now I'm the one that's stuck.

    Kinda hard to figure out. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.


  4. I don't know how I found our blog, but I'm 6 weeks down..and I'm feeling the exact. same. way. It was so great to hear it from someone else, because no one else understands unless you've been through it! We can get through this together girl, because it's totally worth it! goodluck!
    xoxo- Rylee

  5. thank you guys! it's hard but it most diffidently will be worth it! keep your heads up :)